Let’s take a moment to define “good”: I don’t think I look like Bryan Okwara, Uti Nwachukwu..e.t.c or that I own Opening Ceremony. But am I accurately expressing myself? I always thought so, but apparently not.
In my public life, my outfits—at least on fashion blogs—have become something of a punch line.
Internet critics constantly seem to be sighing at some shoe mismatch or moment of (perceived) delusion about my body type or just at the entire idea that I want to— gasp! —have fun.
To be clear, this doesn’t keep me up at night. To quote the Dixie Chicks: “I made my bed, and I sleep like a baby.” To quote my friend Paul: “Looking chic was never your thing.” And to quote Nicki Minaj: “I give zero f***s, and I got zero chill in me.”
I actually enjoy reading blogs that obliterate my wrinkled sundresses and tell me my body makes me look like an ’90s cartoon Johnny Bravo (I’ll analyze that in therapy later). Plus, this research has also allowed me to hone in on the best way to annoy people with my clothes, and I’ve reduced it to five simple rules. So join me, won’t you? It’s actually pretty fun, like a prank that never ends.
1. DO PAY ANY ATTENTION TO WHAT’S CONSIDERED “APPROPRIATE” FOR YOUR BODY TYPE
Ya got some powerful thighs.wear slippers and nothing else.Let your neckline plunge like you’re John legend at the Grammys. Bend the rules because not only were they made to be broken, but they weren’t ever rules in the first place. Also, show your chest if you are gymed out, but nevertheless even without the whole muscled chest u can still show them what you are made off..*winks
2. DRESS TO IMPRESS AND MAKE YOURSELF LAUGH.
One of my favorite designers is the brilliant and daring Giambattista Valli, who designed Lena Dunham 2014 Emmys dress [pictured above]. I loved it because it was gorgeous, but I also loved it because she looked like a riot grrrl cake topper. I was deeply amused by myself when checking my Instagram feeds i saw a similar design worn by another celebrity (I was like designer pass designer..*Lol). Am always dressed like a piece of French pastry. That made people angry, and someone even dressed a goat up like me on Instagram.
3. LET YOUR SEAMS SHOW.
A wrinkled shirt here, a visible panty line there. Give people a nervous breakdown by letting them in on the secret that even celebrities don’t have a full-time wedgie picker following them around—and even if they could, they might want to use their resources some other way. If you really wanna make a fashion blogger crazy, do not hem your pants.
4. CHOOSE COMFORTABLE SHOES.
I was once told I took the Golden Globes stage like a baby giraffe learning to walk or possibly dying. And it’s true! My steps almost killed me. So I now make an effort to wear shoes built for a human. Loafers. Flats. Boots. Well, that won’t fly either. It appears I’m not meant to wear flats but rather must learn to walk in the treacherous stilettos that almost sent me to whatever heaven clothing-related death victims congregate in. (I see you Ode! ) But guess what? I don’t care.
Because, as I mentioned before, it turns out trolling the people who professionally critique fashion can be a real joy too.
Written by Bruno Nnadozie